a year ago today...

a year ago today...

Today is the first anniversary of my mother's passing.  I can not come up with the words to describe how this day feels.  I didn't know how I would feel, I'm not an overly emotional person, so I figured I wouldn't hole up in bed in the fetal position, crying.  I didn't do that when she passed, so I didn't anticipate that happening now.  I guess I really wasn't sure - on one hand I can't get over that it is a year, on the other, so much has happened between then and now that it seems so long ago.  What I do know is that I still have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure it is real.  

As some of you may or may not know I am an avid journaler - I started when Jon was a baby - first to mark milestones and then it because my release.  I could be honest and open and vent in an environment that was safe. I have continued that practice and I am currently on my 7th or 8th journal.  My kids will get an earful once I've passed and they read them.  On the flip side they are a wonderful documentation of who I am, what makes me tick and what I've experienced.  I journaled throughout my mothers illness and the days leading up to her death were no exception.  I don't share my journal with anyone, but I may at some point type out at least the journey with my mom, who knows.  What I would like to share right now is my entry from the day that mom died.  It I think best sums up where I was, am with losing her.  I've removed a pretty big chunk, after typing it out I realized it was pretty graphic and detailed.  I don't know that it is something that everyone wants to experience.  So I omitted some of the details of the night prior and day of her death.  What I have left, I believe is suitable to share.

I wanted to take a quick moment to thank all the wonderful people who have sent cards, flowers and shared kind words with regards to this anniversary date - I could not be as whole and healed as I am without that support.  For that I am eternally grateful.

Jan 27, 2008

Mom died today. 12:40pm.  

Tomorrow Steve, Anna and I are heading north to help dad make arrangements.  Its surreal while the last weeks were so long, they are now a blur.  I try to remember the last conversation we had.  Her voice, her smile.  I will forever miss her, her advice, unsolicited or otherwise, her random knowledge.  What will I do without her?  Although it was work to sometimes care for her, I don't know what I will do now with my days. Coming in her room, nursing Penny, talking and watching TV.  Our pedicures and shopping - the time we had.  The last three years have led to this day and I can not believe it is here.  That moment - she's gone - while I prayed for it so much over the course of this week is still so bittersweet now that it is here.  At least her hands were warm and I could lay my head to her chest and hear her heartbeat.  She gave me life and I intern cared for her to death.  I promised I would -  I wasn't perfect - I pray to God to forgive me for not always caring for her the way I should or losing patience and getting frustrated.  I did the best I could and I loved her so much!!!!  I still do.  I pray now for strength to get through the next few days.  I pray that I do not travel down the same path that she did.  I pray for strength and health in the days ahead.  I pray that my family is safe and pure joy and happiness are granted to us.  I am grateful for the life that my mom gave me, for the sacrifices and love. She was my mom - not perfect, but perfect in her own way.  Now she and we have peace knowing that she is in Christs arms, watching over us as an angel beautiful and serene.

Thanks.